It has been too long, I apologize.
Living our day to day life, celebrating Christmas, making decisions about the house renovation, that’s about all I have been up to, and it is about all I could have been up to:-)
I am finished with chemo, with three weeks of recovery since my last infusion. Radiation starts with a simulation next Wednesday and for real the following Monday, it is slated to last five weeks, five days a week.
I’m hunkered down inside somewhat these days. It is winter after all – a dark, fallow, resting, quiet time.
Reaching out has gotten more challenging. I so love to connect with people and it is simply exhausting too. This journey is in its eighth month, and I’m calling what I am feeling, treatment fatigue. It’s been a long time of living in our alternate universe and I am becoming tired on another level beyond the physical and emotional.
I’m not complaining, simply expressing and explaining. I am also processing, and figuring out where I am in all of this, as I continue to be gentle and allow. Allow that take-out is ok some days, allow that I am still loved and remembered, even when I feel isolated, allow that a nap really is ok, allow the frustration, allow the sadness, allow the fears.
I can even allow that mild agoraphobia is ok, and that I’m rebuilding and it might be a time when being deeper inside, and even a bit isolated could be ok.
There are voices in my head that are debating that. I’ll be gentle to my voices too.
I am so grateful for the freedom to have this experience. There are voices in my head who think I would be transformed and become a new improved version of myself, if only I was doing this better.
Well, I’m doing this as well as I can, moment to moment, and I don’t know if that is going to happen, as far as I can tell, I’m still Amelia. This isn’t the end of the story, I haven’t even completed this chapter.
I can say, I am getting better and better at simply being Amelia, and having that be ok.
Blessings to you all,
– There are huge flocks of wintering ducks and swans playing on the South River by our house, I would so love to find the metaphor, connection, a story to tell. My brain is fuzzy though, so I will simply enjoy all the beautiful birds.
Today we had mallards and wood ducks and buffleheads, tundra swans and a mass of mergansers have arrived. Watching the diving ducks and tipping swans is simply a delight.