I didn’t get to edit this before surgery and can’t say I’ve done an amazing job of it this morning and here goes.
The concept of house as home is so deep in my cells, I have lived in amazing places, my mother and grandmothers before me have had wonderful homes and connections to the land and their small places in it. This love of home and land is ingrained in my soul it seems.
Yet, here I am (well housed, yet) essentially homeless and facing what can truly be considered a modern day dragon. This cancer is a life threatening event that is causing me to reach to my core, into the depth of my self and I am finding I know how to steady and stabilize myself through it all. Yet, I have no home at the moment. I have sold my last house and the process of buying the next one is inexorably stalled.
I can, of course, ground to the earth and connect to my resources anywhere, I do teach that for Goddess’s sake, my deeper personal connection to a specific place has fed and nurtured me also. As someone who has owned her own home for the last 30 years, that bit of dirt of my own helps define me to myself and the world. I have had fun, quirkey and beautiful places to call my own. Yet, at this time, in the middle of a crashed real estate market, I have not been able to close on the house I want to buy. Huh? Spirit again.
Apparently, I am being asked to find a new way to find and center myself, in fact I am being guided to it and spirit is asking me not to rely so directly on the earth and move my locus of connection deeper inside of me.
Every single part of my experience and process for the last month has been divinely guided, from getting us moved to our delightful temporary rental and Laura’s return just days before, and my sister Polly’s arrival the evening after the discovery of the lump, I have been cradled and guided and supported. Somehow, I have always known that I was a child of God, that my life was guided. Its just that I have never felt it, seen it or known it so clearly.
So, given that I am a child of God and divinely loved, that must mean that all of my life has arrived from divine guidance, sure I have a lot of choice but She has always been taking me somewhere, guiding me to something. Knowing about it and feeling it are so different.
Right now I am steady, grounded, settled in my bones and resting in the Goddesses arms. I can’t tell you how I got here, beyond trust. Trusting that all will be well and that this experience of cancer, just like every other experience of my life is taking me somewhere.
Being without a home, having most all of my possessions in storage miles away, my few saved plants in pots by the house, is essentially an destabilizing and un-grounding experience of a high magnitude for me. Yet I will trust that all is well.
The story I am telling about the why of this is, first – I am learning to stabilize, connect and resource myself within my self with my connection to Spirit. Second that this is a chance to learn to trust that all will be well, even when I cannot seem to make all the proper and expected things line up the way I have always done in the past. Third, this was a way to allow Spirit to transport me to a physical place that isn’t to be mine for long, yet is so nurturing and supportive to my system right now.