It’s Friday, Laura and I are headed off for a fun weekend. We are finding some resolutions for the new office challenges that we’ve been facing, and I’m healthy. So what’s with the tears? What’s with the feeling like I’ve been kicked in the chest? What’s with the exhaustion?
It wasn’t until about an hour ago that I made a connection. Perhaps not the only cause for all this effect, but certainly a part of it.
It’s September 21st today. A year ago Laura and I were up in Philadelphia, it was the day of my second chemo infusion. The first dose had been a significant overdose, I had been really sick, nausea, migraines, and had to go to the emergency room to rule out a pulmonary embolism. Going back to CTCS was really hard. I was scared, we were scared. Standing in my power and seeking to adjust the dosages and find a way to get through the treatment was our focus.
It’s not my style to spend a lot of time with this sort of anniversary, or even remember them for goodness sake! Yet, I can feel the trauma of cancer treatment – it is still there – new pieces are arriving for my loving attention, for healing.
This is our great earthy crunchy, renewable, solar and organic weekend (Mother Earth News Fair) and I can feel that during some in between moments, I will be letting out another layer of grief, fear and sadness.
The doctors listened. I have lived, it was ok.
There are parts of my body and psyche that don’t fully know that yet.